


Best Defense

by thesometimeswarrior



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Episode: s05e27 Together Alone, Ficlet, Gen, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Emotional Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 07:14:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17658368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesometimeswarrior/pseuds/thesometimeswarrior
Summary: You’re a silent ornament in its designated spot, bound by a decorum as strong as any gag-order—even as your Gemstone lurches in panic—when Connie brings Steven to the dance floor.Pearl, in Court.





	Best Defense

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to ao3 user [Monochromely](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monochromely/pseuds/Monochromely) for helping me think through a few of these lines!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

You’re a silent ornament in its designated spot, bound by a decorum as strong as any gag-order—even as your Gemstone lurches in panic—when Connie brings Steven to the dance floor. Your words of warning—that what is worthwhile and fun and _good_ on Earth won’t _work_ here, isn’t _liberating_ here but is instead exactly the opposite, that it’s dangerous in ways totally different from the battlefield, ways that Steven, raised as he was with the love that you feel, that you have all tried so desperately to impart to him, can’t possibly comprehend—all lodge themselves in your throat, never arrive to your lips or to Steven or Connie’s ears.

A Pearl doesn’t speak at a ball once it’s begun, after all. 

(When, across the millennia, you’d buckle under the weight of your hard-earned freedom and imagine what it would feel like if you were suddenly back on Homeworld, you’d always reassured yourself that it would be _hard_. That, even if the Renegade had begun as a guise, you’d inhabited her since the end of the War, embodied her. And the Renegade was free from her programming, and were she on Homeworld, she wouldn’t simply default back to her old role, because to do so would be _painful_ after everything she’d been through, everything she’d done to earn her freedom. And because the Renegade was _different_ , if she were forced to play her old part, it would be _hard_.)

(But it hasn’t been hard. It’s been easy. So easy. Far too easy. You’d fallen back into your old role as Pink Diamond’s Reasonable Pearl with such little effort—with so little pain—that you’ve had to actively clench your hands into fists to prevent them from flying into a salute. And even _then_ …this morning, in front of the Diamonds, you hadn’t even _noticed_ as your palms flew together, or as they then opened and turned upward as your arms formed a perfect W—just as proper decorum would dictate.)

(Perhaps you’re not…Have you ever been…?)

(Perhaps the Renegade only ever existed in Rose’s imagination.) 

Steven takes Connie’s hand, they spin and both laugh, and then you know what’s about to happen an instant before it does.

( _This is very not allowed_.)

The Diamonds’ _fury_ throbs in your pearl, and the utter _danger_ radiating from Blue Diamond in particular nearly knocks you over.

Her eyes bear into Stevonnie. “Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I’ll _make_ you!”

(Blue Diamond’s eyes would bear into Pink, and then she’d be locked in the Tower, and Blue Diamond would visit her there, and when they finally released her, she’d be hollow, empty. You wouldn’t be able to make her smile for _weeks_. She’d never discuss it, but you were her _Pearl_ —were calibrated to feel her Gem-wrenching sadness more deeply than your own, could feel the stain of the tears that Blue Diamond had twisted out of her, the echoes of the guilt and self-loathing that Blue Diamond built inside her with every word.)

(What if...?! _Steven_.)

(There are certain types of battles that you’ve ensured he’s never had to fight.)

(And now he…You have to...but a Pearl doesn’t…won’t... _can’t_ …)

Garnet springs into being in front of Stevonnie. “You’ll have to go through me!”

(Blue and Yellow Diamonds would never _physically_ harm a Fusion they thought contained Pink, but the last time _Garnet_ had formed in front of one of them, she'd almost been _shattered._ And here, now, in front of _both_ of them...!) 

A squawking gasp of fear escapes your throat, and with this one involuntary breach of decorum, the terror suddenly opens like the pit you so constantly feel in your Gemstone, gives way to assuredness—even here, in the very heart of everything you’ve spent so long fleeing, fighting. 

For the first time in days, you know exactly who you are.

(A Pearl would stand silent in perfect form, no matter the feelings that raged inside her Gem, would swallow her terror, but your fists clench, breaking the perfect W of your formation.)

(The Renegade would draw her sword or a spear, but you’re not the Renegade—and that’s not what’s needed now.)

“And me!” Your thumb points at your star, your _heart_ in affirmation.

( _We are the Crystal Gems._ ) 

You charge forward, and in a burst of light, weaponize _love_ like a shield.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I adore comments!


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